Last Night

As I lay on my bed last night, alone and not knowing what to do or where to turn I got a phone call, the first time He has ever actually called me on the phone without me begging or asking, He wanted to know if I had got over my ‘stupidity’ and was ready to talk to Him properly as a slave should.

I will admit my heart raced and I felt sick, that He can have this power over me when I know that things were not right, He more or less ignored my asking for release, He talked to me for about 30 minutes, telling me that He was looking forward to me being with Him and that things would be different, oohh god why did I not have the strength to hang up on Him ? All my feelings and thoughts were in turmoil and when He hung up the last thing He said was that I had to record myself playing for Him so He could enjoy it at His leisure, He did not want me to put the cam on for Him at that time as He was not able to properly enjoy me He said, but He would watch me cumming and know it was for Him

Damn it to hell I am a mess and I want to please Him so bad, yet I know deep down that it is because I have not been in touch with Him that He wants me to play, His way of keeping me in His control I think, but if I do that then am I still His ? and if I am then will things change  for a little while of for good ?  And what about her, she is still a part of the problem but He cannot or will not see that and that is one battle I have no way of winning

An Unowned slave

welcome to the home of an unowned slave, so I guess I am not a slave then, to be a slave I need a Master and I no longer have one, the questions were asked and the answes were not forth coming and after  lots of thinking and little talking or reassurance I knew that I would never mean anything to Him, well no thats not true, I would mean something, but what ? and in what capacity ?

So with tears in my eyes and my heart breaking I asked for my release, the funny part if there is one is that it took Him 15 minutes to ask why ( He was with another, lol yet He had said He was giving me His attention as I had begged Him to talk to me as I was going through some things and needed His reasurance and support, I needed to know He was still my Master, that was my answer

So here I am, no longer owned just me , and that hurts so bad

Decisions

Well it was as I expected, He did speak to me, well of a fashion, if being ignored for hours after the punishment was finished and then spoken to for 30 minutes on im and not on the phone, and today was supposed to be my talking day, but I am not surprised to be honest, its something I was expecting and for some strange reason it didn not hurt as much as I thought it would, maybe Him punishing me was a good thing, it gave me time to think and read all of your responses to my confusion.

I sat here today in silence, knowing that He was talking with others and that did not bother me, I am happy that His is poly, I have had some wonderful times with sisters from my previous Master and that is something I really had hoped for with this family but it isn’t a family really is it ? Its them and me and that I know I cannot take for much longer, so I am going to im Him and ask to speak to Him in the morning. I need to know the answers to  and depending on those answers then I will make a choice, and if the answers are not something I can live with without becoming more and more a shadow of who I am then I will ask for release, there is really no other way

Punishment

I have been absent this weekend for a few reasons, the main one is that W/we had an argument on Friday, I found out that yet again she was posting things about me on various sites, and when I brought them to His attention I was called nasty and spiteful, it ended up ME apologising to HER and He told me as punishment I was not to go online for 48 hours, I did try to explain but He signed off and would not talk to me, to be honest I spent most of the weekend in tears or silence, thinking and wondering why she hates me so much, the only thing I can come up with is that I am a treat to her

My friend who is talking to Him left me an offline saying that He wanted her to talk to her ‘sister’ but I know that is not me but her, my heart broke at her word ‘ sister’ not ‘sisters’ so guess I was being punished in that way as well, but it is only what I expected.

Today is the end of the 48 hours and I left a greeting as I always do but as of yet He has not replied, so I will wait and see what happens, things are changing and I have two options now, leave and be unhappy or stay and be unhappy, I am so confused, and all I can hear are His words running through my head, telling me ho nasty and horrible I am so even if I leave then who will want me anyway, so maybe staying is the only option really

Reflections

As I sit here I am looking back on my life, and its had its share of highs and lows, at its best it was amazing, my (then) Master was someone who cared and loved me, and while I know that things went wrong at the end I also can understand and forgive Him for so much, it was circumstances that He found hard to deal with and so I was the most convinient thing for Him to ‘lash’ out at ( in the literal sense) As I watched my life spin out of control the saving grace was my belief in myself and who and what I was, I am a slave, that is the one thing I held onto and believed in, it is as much a part of me as breathing is, I need the control and structure, I yearn for the service to my Master,

That was the past, and now I am looking to my future, a future with a new Master, but is it any better ?

Well at this present time I have more doubts and concerns than ever before, I find myself shutting down and accepting things I really never thought I would, and as the time draws closer to my being with Him I also find I am filled with a certain fear as well, fear of my ability as a slave and a person, fear that when I am with Him that another one will make things worse, or that He will not be interested or that He will ignore me in ‘person’ as He does online and telephone, and can I deal with that ? Can I take the turmoil I am feeling and shut it away so it does not destroy me ?

I hope I am strong enough to, for if I am not then I have a feeling I will be a ghost walking

Last night was an eye opener, it seems my friend when she had ‘finished’ being pleasured by Him was talking to Him about how confused and unhappy her friend was as her Master ignored her, never played or allowed her to have an orgasm, that He really seemed to just want her there for the sake of owning her and for no other reason. He told her that a Master would not do that to one He owns and she should leave Him, all the time not knowing that He was the one being discussed !, when she left to go to work, He came online with me, and started to talk, unfortunatly i was still hurt so i did what i always do, i shut down, i answered His questions with one word or the standard yes Sir answer, and He never noticed any different

i guess the plus side was that He said i could rgasm if i wanted ( that was the extent of Him playing, His exact words were… oh by the way, you can cum tonight if you want…. don’t forget you still have not finished the research hat you were told to do )

Did i play ? no  and that makes me a bad person, but honestly, how was that supposed to be a turn on for anyone ?

i have to run now, i am working but i need to go to the book store, have some books to check out so i can do some more research durng my lunch,  i thank you for listning to my worries, there are times when a person needs to write things down if only so i can step back and see the situation more clearly

Writing

i am here now writing, this is meant to be the time when i am with Him, this is supposed to be my time, but as i was talking to my friend she has to go as her new Master wanted her to turn on the cam for Him,( and the worst thing is she was giggling as He told her to get all her toys together as He was going to make her scream in pleasure as He made her cum  and its been over 5 weeks since i had to ask to orgasm )  He came online to me to say He was busy on the phone and would be back soon and left,

so here i sit, waiting , wondering and above all questioning my sanity

why is it so hard to believe in Him, i want to trust Him and i want to believe but each time makes me doubt more and question more and more,  all i want is a Master who will respect me and see me for the person i am and the person i could be with the right Master but guess that is not to be for me

Being a slave

its funny really, i sit here writing this, and i know to many others it will be hard to understand, they say ” why does she still stay, why does she not just say forget it and leave ? ” And honestly ? i ask those questions myself as well.

i said some things last night about being a slave, remember i have been a slave for many many years, my previous long term Master was for 15 years, and during a conversation last night i told my Master i did not want an equal i needed a Master, basically because things were being said that confused me, another He owns sees her life with Him as a partnership and when i asked about it He ignored the question, this did nothing to help my state of mind, the excuse is she is new so He is cutting her some slack, something i really did not agree with as she now sees herself as ‘superior ‘ to any others ( me ) and when i got no reply and the subject was changed i was in little doubt about what was going on.

the other one i know about does not know about me,  she never menioned knowing about the other ‘sister’ either so i am stuck between a hard place and a rock, what do i do ? i so want to tell her but i know if i do then i will be the one in trouble, and that is something that i really cannot cope with at the moment, all that does is make me retreat further into my shell and that is something i am trying to get away from doing,

who ever said that a M/s relationship is the answer to their prayers was not telling the truth, at times it can be i know this for a fact but for me it just seems to throw my head into turmoil and despair

New One

Well its strange how a good day turns into a bad next day, see the thing is, i am His slave and i know He is poly, nothing wrong with that, the thing that is wrong is that He will not let me or the other one He owns actually say that He is our Master to anyone and that i will admit confuses me, is He ashamed of me ?

Well i found out this morning that He owns another that i knew nothing about, when ever the question of who exactly is part of this ‘family’ i am told it is not my business, but i think it is, rghtly or wrongly i think if i am to be a part of His life then i should know who else is as well, if there are too many then how can He meet my needs as a slave ?

The new one He owns is a friend of mine, she obviously does not know He is my Master and as she is new she let me into a secret, and told me His name, i was so hurt but at the same time i could not say anything as i am not allowed, i have not said anything to Him regarding this either as that would be breaking her confidence and even if i did say something, it would be wrong, so what is the point ?

its weird really, i have complete faith in Him as a Man but i find myself in so much turmoil, and that is something i need to work out, and until then i find myself pulling back, i have already asked Him why He will not play with me sexually ( at the moment i am a distance from Him ) and when i find out that He was ‘playing with her online for hours i was crushed, hell He never even remembers whether He allowed me to have an orgasm or not, and He hasn’t for over a month and i had to ask Him for that one, His indifference was hurtful to say the least, so to be told by my friend that He made her cum 5 times, well the tears i cried were for me and that was not fair on her as she has no idea what the problem was

so i sit here and wonder just what He wants from me, and to be honest, i really do not know anymore, all i know is that i was once a confident and vibrant person and that person is slowly disappearing, and that is not fair to either Him or me

This is me

This is a replacement blog for one that had to be closed as stupidly i never realised that my icon showed on the page search, and i will admit that i was scared when i looked at the new post section and saw my icon there with the old blog, i paniced and deleted the blog, the reasons for that are many and varied but mainly they are self preservation, as i know if another saw my thoughts and fears then she would love to run to Him and make trouble, i guess in one way i am wrong to write my thoughts here if i will not go to Him about them, but at times its easier to speak with out Him there as when i try to talk to Him then things get turned about so i find myself always defending and becoming mute and not speaking of anything important